Solace for the Homeless?

This trip has been beset by homesickness. It’s funny how your mind will practice selective amnesia. When I first started to feel homesick I was full of wonder: I’ve never felt this before. Well, there was that one time in summer camp…oh and I remember once in Granada, Spain I felt so alone…oh and wasn’t it Cape Town where I just couldn’t wait to get home and spent the last day studying my watch? Oh, riiiight. I have felt homesick before. Each situation had it’s own particular reasons and nuances, but it’s not so brand-spankin-new for me to miss home severely.

One of the feelings I dislike most is the lethargy and resistance to enjoying myself. It’s like a very stubborn and grumpy version of myself that randomly decides: Today I won’t have the attention span for Spanish dialogue and I won’t have any patience for the crowded roads. It can even feel like a physical resistance, immobilization, and stiffening to the culture here: Hey, screw you Buenos Aires! I kinda hate you!

Luckily, I’ve had enough composure to work myself through these sorts of feelings. Sometimes it’s a matter of counting backwards from 100 in my bed, and sometimes it’s a matter of finding a quiet café for a coffee and a snack, and sometimes it’s a matter of sitting in a park to re-group. Recently, I even compiled a list of things that are awesome about my trip, which really helped put things in perspective.

Another tendency, probably not as healthy, has been to daydream about home. Sure, there’s still selective amnesia going on (um, didn’t it snow the other day in Seattle?) and things aren’t going to be perfect in Seattle. But, all things considered, wow, it’s fun to think about going home! It’s a sweet luxury.

Then I got to thinking: what about those people who can’t go home? I just finished reading Three Cups of Tea (not a bad read once I got into it) and there are some stories of refugees that made an impression on me. People who were forced out of their homes and can’t go back because the place they once considered theirs is owned by other people or destroyed. This happens all over the world, again and again. Of course. But, the idea really got me thinking. I felt sick thinking about what it must be like longing for a home you can no longer have and people you can no longer see.

I really started to marvel at the luxury of being able to leave home and come back to more or less the same place. Also, I marveled at the luxury of leaving home and then deciding you’d much rather return and then just doing it. So simple. I can walk around town and devise a million things to keep myself busy or return to my room and study or chat online. All the while, I can feel fairly certain that I’m going to my home sweet home soon enough; it's just a matter of filling the time until then.

Where does the solace and hope come from for displaced people with little chance of reestablishing the home they once cherished?

I guess accepting the inevitable changes of the world is part of life. And, I guess it comes down to fortitude and resilience in the face of heartbreak. And, I guess it comes down to finding a way to survive, even if that means reinventing home and reinventing yourself.

Another Rainy Day

I was excited when I looked out and saw an overcast day. Yesterday was ridiculously hot and I actually retreated into malls and grocery stores (definitely not my favorite places) just to loiter in the air conditioning! The rain does make me feel a little trapped indoors though....what to do....what to do...

Oh yeah! Duh!

I remember one of my backup plans for Buenos Aires was writing! If all else fails, I thought, at least I'll have some quiet time for writing. Living with Robert, as much as I love it, really distracted me from writing...well, I allowed the distraction. Why write when we were playing video games? Why read when we could watch a movie? Oy, the banes of the technologically comfortable lifestyle!

But, here in Buenos Aires, I have very few distractions and it might turn out to be a pretty good environment to get some writing done. Today should be perfect with the rain and fresh air! Let's see what I can come up with...

A Crisis of Character

I have been waiting to fall in love with Buenos Aires. In the past when I travel to new and exotic locations, I’m overwhelmed with excitement. Every time I got to a new city I thought: yes, this is a city I would want to live in! This place is perfect! This place is amazing! And, normally if I had the chance to be there for an extended period of time, the excitement would wear down a bit.

However, for Buenos Aires, this hasn’t happened for me. I was shocked during the days leading up to my trip that I wasn’t more excited. I didn’t bother doing much research or looking for jobs…I figured that once I’d arrive, then everything would be different and I would catch that buzz of energy from being in a new place.

Well, the first day I was overwhelmed by the city. The size, the noise, the crowds, everything was so much so fast! My initial culture shock did wane after a day or two, but I never fell in love.

Each day I made a plan to visit somewhere new – normally the daytime variety of activities like coffee, museums, parks, walks, etc. And, each day I found something special to appreciate about Buenos Aires. Each day I learned something new. And, each day had its good and bad points.

But, where was the love?

Sometimes I felt so grateful that it was nighttime and I could sleep and not have to worry about being in the city. I’ve actually spent more time trying to connect with people from home via email and chatting than I expected. Most of my thoughts, when I’m not sightseeing, are about how much I miss home.

The whole time I’ve been here I’ve felt this sort of resistance to being here, even temporarily. One day earlier this week I was taking a walk through the San Telmo neighborhood and while I was sitting in the park I thought: what if I just go home? Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with excitement and agitation. Yes, what if? I could do so many things I was putting off before my trip due to my trip. Things like settling down with Robert, getting kittens, getting a dog, getting a gym membership! These things, from the grand to the mundane filled me with the thrill I had been waiting for Buenos Aires to fill me with.

Then I got startled.

I was more excited to go home than to stay? That couldn’t be…I’m a traveler. Sure, I expected to miss home, but I made arrangements so home will still be there when I’m ready. I thought, maybe Buenos Aires wasn’t that great, so what about the plan to backpack through other parts of South America? All it took was maybe 30 minutes of flipping through the guidebook to feel totally miserable. I was completely disinterested in seeing some of the things that have filled my imagination for years! What???? Who am I?

I got online and luckily found some folks to chat with and hopefully come to a better understanding of my current quandary. How can I, a traveler, want to go home after only a week? How can I, a traveler, not want to explore the beauty of South America? How can I, a traveler, be more interesting in training kittens in Kirkland than seeing the Andes??????????

Well, it took a lot of processing, even still, but I’m learning a bit about myself. What I used to be, I’m not, anymore. At least not totally. While a few years ago, Africa inspired me to see other more exotic locations and a TESL certificate along with my BA gave me the opportunity to work abroad as a teacher, now my interests have changed. I feel a longing for a home and all that it means – a family of pets, my good and trusted friends nearby, frequent visits with family, and Robert.

And then I started to think that maybe the best part of traveling was not so much the places I went, but the people I went with. Would Europe have been the same without Stephanie and Justin? Would Africa have been the same without Juliana? It’s true that traveling alone presents a wonderful opportunity to meet new people, but I was confounded that the people I wanted around me most were my old people.

So, I’ve decided to cut my trip short. This was a hard decision to come to, but I know it’s the right one. I still plan to make the most of my trip here in Argentina – exploring, reflecting, writing—but I also plan to go home in early March. Before I go home, Robert is also planning to visit for a few weeks so he can see what Buenos Aires is all about.

Another thing I’ve learned from this experience is how difficult it is to know what you want and what will make you happy. Happiness can be complicated!

Homesick but Resilient

It’s kind of an odd relief to look at the clock and realize it’s 9:00pm, and I made it through another day. It can be stressful to travel to a new place and be overwhelmed by all the things to look at, explore, and a weird sort of dread that something important may be missed! But, by sticking to a bit of a routine, I’ve been able to calm myself while still making sense of the city. Buenos Aires has definitely overwhelmed me. My first thoughts as soon as I got here were: Get me out! I’ll be on the next flight back to Seattle! Ahh! Help! It’s no joke, I was actually all kinds of hysterical that first dreadfully long day. I can’t remember ever reacting to a city in this way.

Since then, I’ve tried to organize my life one day at a time. Each day I’ve set one particular goal to accomplish. So far these goals are about getting to know the city. My routine:

· Decide on a few destinations
· Look at the map and plan a general route
· Go on my route
· Relax, enjoy, look around, eat a little something, drink a little something and head back after a few hours
· When I get home I’m normally an exhausted and sweaty mess
· Shower and stretch
· Re-trace my steps on my map (since the route I actually take normally differs from my previously planned one)
· By this point, it’s normally 8 or 9. I haven’t been hungry lately, but if I am, I’ll grab a quick bite to eat. I might also spend a little time with my fellow guests in the house. Also, I’ve made it a point to check my email frequently and listen to music on my computer, which makes me feel really good and relaxed.
. Brush teeth, wash face, last stretches, time for sleep.

Still, my mind is mixed over what I really think about the city and what my final plans will be. Those first day anxieties haven’t completely dissipated. Sometimes, despite my pleasant little routine, I get disoriented, exhausted, and hopeless that I’ll ever feel at home in this city. Really, this isn’t a total vacation, it’s also a self-imposed challenge. I want to make sure that I remember that, especially when things are hard. Yes, I am homesick and I really miss my lifestyle, friends, and family in the US. It’s hard to have to re-invent all that stuff!

I knew that I was making this challenge (teach English abroad) more difficult by picking South America. I could have gone to Taiwan with a guaranteed place to stay and a job and only have to worry about teaching and learning a new culture. Argentina meant everything was going to be from scratch (expect the language, more or less). Now, this isn’t to say that miserable or not, I’m going to torture myself for the remainder of my trip if things don't go well, but it does mean that I’m not going to give up easily. So far I’ve been able to achieve an incredible amount of things, and I’ve only been here for a few days.